At some point in time in our lives, we have come across people who just drain us mentally and emotionally. As the days go by, it gets tougher and more difficult to deal with them as they may get more demanding. These are who we call ‘toxic.’
It can be a real head-scratcher to recognize these kinds of people as they are often good at manoeuvring their way around people. It may be difficult for you to notice but the one’s close to you will instantly see how you are changing. Your friends and family may even warn you about them.
Who are toxic people?
The biggest indicator of a toxic person is that they are skilled manipulators. It is mainly all about them and how they feel, you will rarely be in the picture. They may say things like “you don’t care about me” “you're selfish.” and so on, where the main focus in all your conversations will be them.
They are unsupportive; Toxic people are like crabs. If you are succeeding in anything at all or even if you’re remotely happy, they will pull you down as they don’t want to see you exceed them. Jealousy is common among friends but a real friend will be happy to see you succeed.
They emotionally drain you. Always take into account how you feel around someone. If being around someone emotionally drains you then they may not be the best person to hang out with. This isn’t selfish, it’s just you looking out for yourself and avoiding future drama.
They will make you feel dependent on them, being around them makes you doubt yourself. They will not encourage you to be more independent but make you feel like you need them for everything.
They are very judgmental of almost everything, they pass comments on others and even you. Their comments are almost always negative and envious.
Their needs are greater than your own and they always want to be the centre of attention. They want you to feel sorry for them and solve their problems. Now, this is different compared to your friends who need your advice and ask for help.
They are in denial, which means they won’t apologise for anything they do or won’t take accountability for their actions. They almost always blame someone else for their mistakes.
They make you choose them over others, they are needy and always want your attention (not in a positive way.) If you make new friends they will criticize them and say they are using you.
They lie all the time and make you lie for them as well. They have no real sense of loyalty, they go along with what benefits them the best regardless of how that makes you feel.
Why are they so?
There could be many reasons honestly, some are as simple as that’s just how they are. It is their behaviour and relationship with you that is toxic.
Sometimes people are fighting battles that we don’t know about, but that does not mean they don’t exist. People may be hurting on the inside and lashing out with their behaviour. They may be dealing with things they haven’t come to terms with yet and their only outlet is turning toxic themselves.
How to deal with them
There are different ways to go about with this. Every relationship is different and also depends on how close you are with the person, how often you see them and so on.
A simple way to notice when someone is taking you for granted is when the things benefit them more than you.
Confront them: Confrontation isn’t easy, it can take a lot emotionally to deal with it. When the person you are confronting is pushy and dominant you need to be assertive too. They can sense if you are even a little hesitant and may guilt trip you into thinking that it is your fault. You can tell them how you feel in this relationship, what they have put you through and so on.
Setting boundaries: Having flexible boundaries is healthy in any relationship. If they don’t comply just leave the situation because you don’t need to change for someone else.
Cut them out completely: This is tough as is and will be tougher if it's a family member or a close friend. Having boundaries may work better and if they don’t respect that you can start maintaining your distance and then cut them out. No matter what they say, your mental health is more important than anyone else, don’t put someone else before you all the time.
Don’t try to fix them: Sometimes when we see someone hurting we want to help them but you don’t have to always fix something that is broken. You can talk to them and help them but going out of your way all the time may not be the best thing for you.
Relationships are complicated, and so are people. It can be difficult to understand ourselves let alone someone else. We must care for others and be kind because it can go a long way. That being said, never let someone take advantage of your kindness.
A last bit of advice that I want to give is that you don't have to solve someone else's problems. Over the years I have realized I have this need to help everyone and try to solve their problems. This is unnecessary as it is their problem at the end of the day and all I can do is give a listening ear and some advice if I may. These the unresolved issues I have that I project on others.
Know when to prioritize yourselves over someone else because your state of mind is important as well.
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