Ever wondered how you came to be friends with a certain person when it seems like you both are opposites? Or why you fall in love? Along the years, research has provided insight into these particular questions, so let’s take a peek.
Origin of love
Our early ancestor’s line of species depended on their reproductive process. The reason we experience any desires is that they helped our ancestors survive.
Why do we need to form bonds?
Our need to associate and be accepted by others may be as basic as our hunger and thirst needs. Evolutionary perspective shows that cooperating with other people increased our ancestor’s chances of survival as it was easier to hunt for food in groups.
We seek the amount of social contact that is necessary for us. Which means we prefer to be alone sometimes and in social situations other times, it differs among people. When ignored we may start to feel unpleasant or “left out.” On occasion, you may have come across someone who does not need any emotional attachments and avoids close relationships.
External events can boost or reduce our need to affiliate, it is common to obtain help or comfort to reduce negative feelings.
Does physical appearance matter?
We have all heard of ‘love at first sight’, it’s nothing but strong feelings of attraction you feel when you see someone for the first time. We say looks don’t matter but in reality, physical appearance plays an important role in our liking for others.
An underlying reason for this is attractive people are judged to be healthier, more intelligent, more trustworthy and having more desirable social characteristics like kindness, generosity, warmth and so on.
One suggestion by social psychologists for this is we have a positive stereotype for highly attractive people. We project our own desire to be in a relationship with them and those projections create a positive perception of them. This is called the “what is good is beautiful” effect. It’s said that this widespread acceptance appears to be incorrect, not everything that looks good is good.
However, this effect may also have some truth because attractiveness is associated with popularity, high self-esteem and good interpersonal skills and attractive people spend their lives being liked and treated well.
What makes someone attractive?
Truth be told there is no answer set in stone, as everyone will look at different aspects, virtues and qualities. Physical traits, culture, values and the environment you grew up in play a role in what you find attractive.
Life experiences play a huge role when it comes to selecting a partner. You are more likely to be attracted to someone who has a similar perspective on life than someone who has had completely different experiences.
Do opposites attract?
Sometimes this is true, but even then there are underlying similarities between people. People have a broad range of characteristics and there will be some differences between you and your partner or friend but your core beliefs and perspective on life will be similar.
Relationship with family members
The parent-child relationship is usually pretty important as that is the first contact infants have with another person. We are ready to interact with other humans right at birth but the interactions differ and change over time depending on the environment one grows up in.
Bowlby developed the concept of attachment style which is the level of security an individual feels in interpersonal relationships. Infants develop two basic attitudes during their interaction with adults, and they are:
Based on these two there are 4 particular styles involving relationships with others and as you grow older these attachment styles may change.
Secure attachment style- People have high self-esteem and high interpersonal trust. They form the best and lasting relationships, they are committed and have satisfying relationships.
Fearful avoidant attachment style- Here they have low self-esteem and low interpersonal trust. They tend to not form close relationships.
Preoccupied attachment style- They have low self-esteem and high interpersonal trust. They want closeness, can be too clingy but expect to be rejected eventually because they think they are unworthy.
Dismissing attachment style- People have high self-esteem and low interpersonal trust. They believe they are deserving of good relationships, but they don’t trust others, they fear genuine closeness. They state that they don’t want or need close relationships
Romantic relationships
Research has shown that falling in love leads to an increase in self-esteem and self-efficacy(belief in our abilities).
Love has no definition, everyone will describe their idea of love. However, we do know what love is not, it’s not just a close friendship that is extended to physical intimacy, it’s more than just romantic and sexual feelings for another person. This differs from culture to culture.
In various cultures, love is described differently. We'll focus on two kinds i.e. Passionate Love and Compassionate Love.
The former kind is where you feel an overwhelming emotion take over you, it’s often an unrealistic emotional response to another person. It may seem like true love but it can even be infatuation. On the other hand, Compassionate love majorly stems from the intimacy level, mutual attraction, commitment and friendship shared.
All relationships are an important part of our life, even if some don’t last for a long time they can all help us learn something. I'll end by saying that not all relationships/ friendships will last and it's a very painful experience. However, don't close off to something new because you are fearful of the future. This was hard for me initially and still is but I'm learning as well.
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