I’ve always noticed that when someone close to me tells me a problem or something that is bothering them, I have this need to fix their problem. I thought that was the way to help them and make them feel better, even though my intention was altruistic I wasn’t helping them.
Later, I realized people don’t always need to be fixed, some just need to be heard. There is a difference in being there for someone, having their back, pushing them to do better and finding solutions with them versus trying to find a solution for them, not completely hearing what they are going through and so on.
Personal example
I tried sharing my fear of being confused about the future with a friend once; I got a few lines in when they started giving me advice on what I should do. This was unsettling for me, as I could not get all my thoughts out without being interrupted. At that moment I needed a listening ear, but all I got was the advice I don’t remember right now because I was too caught up in my head to listen.
Not everything that’s broken can be fixed, sometimes people just want to talk and they need to be heard.
Why we have this need to fix people
We see ourselves in the other person and want to help them avoid making the mistakes we made.
Mainly it all stems from unresolved issues, it can be one's past, self-esteem issues and so on.
We may feel incompetent or flawed, and hence unconsciously this urge to fix someone else’s problem.
It’s one way to feel better about ourselves
There may be some underlying issue that we can’t/don’t want to fix, and an easier alternative is to comfort someone else with our words.
It may make us feel superior.
Why you shouldn’t try to fix someone else problems
You take away from them their ability to think for themselves and work their way around a problem.
When you’re trying to help someone and not trying to fix them or the problem, you are not only enabling them to think but also give them a fresh perspective. You question them so they can think more about their actions.
‘Fixing’ someone means giving them advice you expect them to follow. When you aren’t doing this, you become more tolerant if they don’t follow your advice.
When someone tells you their problem you will focus on finding a solution as you think that will help them. But sometimes the best help you can give someone is by just listening to them and trying to understand how they feel. Giving your full attention can show how much you care, and this helps build mutual respect for one another.
I am not saying that you should stop helping others but try to understand what they need at that moment first. Always remember when they need advice or help with a problem or issue, they will come to you seeking help.
The harsh truth of life is you can’t always protect the ones you love or yourself from future pain. A part of learning and growing is to fall, make mistakes and get up, dust yourself off and try again. Once they realise that they can overcome problems or issues on their own, they become stronger.
When you have reached your lowest point there is only one way to go and that’s up. For someone to understand their potential, they need to learn how to face rock bottom.
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